eva's latest thing is that she laughs, a lot. and i mean way more laughter than you would expect to come from such a small person! part of her current phase of rapidly expanding social behavior is that she laughs at anything you do to try to amuse her. this is a very endearing quality in a baby (or anyone, really). in the evenings when she is a bit tired and punchy, she'll laugh maniacally at the dog begging for about ten minutes (poor dog, reduced to "prop for baby's amusement"). we videoed some of it, and when i played it back for her, she laughed at herself laughing. we were even able to get her to laugh on the phone so my family could hear her.
the part i find most amusing, though, is that she has become a laughter detective. you know how when kids learn a new concept, they spot it everywhere? like when eva learned to sign for "light", suddenly the world was full of lights and she would point them out all the time. well, now her world is apparently full of laughter. she'll hear someone laughing, and laugh in response. sometimes i'm not even aware at first that someone laughed, often it's a little "haha" in passing tossed in at the end of a sentence, but eva hears it. "heh heh heh", she says back. i had to turn the tv off when it was on the other day, because i was disturbed to find she was laughing every ten seconds or so in response to the laugh track. i know babies absorb everything, but sometimes i forget the extent of it. in any case, this laughing is just too much fun. can she stay this age for a while, please?
because of mother's day (in a roundabout way), i've been looking at old photos this week, and have found it's making me really emotional. the photos from eva's first days, in particular -- looking back, she looks so tiny and fragile, and i just get overwhelmed. i'm not sure if it's because i'm reliving the flood of emotions from that time, or if it's because i can't believe we managed not to break her, or what it is. maybe i'm just facing the fact that time is passing, that she's growing up fast and isn't my little baby anymore (as we approach her first birthday soon enough). it's a strange feeling, not melancholy exactly, just an intensity that feels out of context in my current days.
this photo is from playing with sarah's new water table in college station a few weeks ago. i like the composition larry achieved, with the water droplets in focus and both of our faces visible but partly obscured. it tells a story.
5.12.2006
5.03.2006
blahg
i've been wanting to blog something for days, but eva's not really in to sleeping lately which seriously cuts into my free time. as of 10:00 she finally went to sleep, and now i have the much sought Free Time, and... i'm feeling blah. so i decided not to write, but then changed my mind. i mean, having an off day can be saved for posterity, too, right?
i guess i'm just struggling with the lack of autonomy motherhood affords. sometimes i feel like i have to ask permission to do even the most humble of tasks. larry, can you get her if she wakes up while i take a shower? eva, can you sit her contentedly while mama gets a drink of water? can someone keep an eye on her while i run over to the port-a-potty? most days it doesn't bug me, but once in a while it just feels like a crushing weight -- before disappearing into the backdrop once again. i'll be fine in the morning.
eva's starting to stir, so i must go, but to counter my semi-cranky mood, i'm including a fun, happy photo of eva and her grandma from last month. how sweet!
i guess i'm just struggling with the lack of autonomy motherhood affords. sometimes i feel like i have to ask permission to do even the most humble of tasks. larry, can you get her if she wakes up while i take a shower? eva, can you sit her contentedly while mama gets a drink of water? can someone keep an eye on her while i run over to the port-a-potty? most days it doesn't bug me, but once in a while it just feels like a crushing weight -- before disappearing into the backdrop once again. i'll be fine in the morning.
eva's starting to stir, so i must go, but to counter my semi-cranky mood, i'm including a fun, happy photo of eva and her grandma from last month. how sweet!
4.21.2006
easter
i don't know what's been keeping me so busy this week, but i'm just now posting about easter... it's been one of those weeks throughout which i've felt like i've managed to "get nothing done", but really that just means i've not done the things on my ever-present little mental checklist (as in, i've not sewn a stitch in probaby a month). apparently by my own estimation, anything i do that's not on the checklist doesn't count. so, i should start adding things like "prevent eva from serious harm" to the list. check! i did accomplish something after all. i think i need to cut myself some slack once in a while.
for easter, we had a brunch egg hunt with our superfriends group. (oh, had i mentioned yet that that's the name? it is. let's move along and not get distracted. :) this gathering was originally conceived as being for those of us with no family committments, but interestingly that turned out to include the vast majority of us for an assortment of reasons (distance, heathenism, etc).
eva can't yet, ... well, *move*, so for her hunting eggs was somewhat modified to picking up eggs after being toddled over to them. i think she even dropped one into her little basket, but that was possibly a fluke. she enjoyed watching all the other kids and the dogs, and even more-or-less fended off the advances of an older, more enterprising toddler who began to hunt eggs out of her basket. the whole scene was really fun, with nine (?) sets of parents alternately assisting and photographing the kids (who seemed to get the general idea of finding eggs but were easily distracted by eating the veggie booty snacks contained within).
i may be biased, but i'm quite certain this photo is one of the sweetest i've taken, maybe ever. i just love the expressions on each of their faces, and it really captured the moment as it was. the two great loves of my life, i could just melt. okay, off to bed to join that sleeping baby...
wait, one last thing: today after eva's bath, neither of us had dressed yet and i was holding her on my hip and talking to larry. while i was thus distracted, i guess eva decided she wanted a snack and she managed to inch her head down just low enough to latch on. she was happily looking around at larry (who was, like me, trying to rein in his laughter) as if to say "what? it's here, i'm hungry. what's so funny?" so i walked her over to the bathroom mirror and she saw what That Baby in the reflection was doing and found it pretty amusing and broke into a big sly grin. this girl is too funny.
for easter, we had a brunch egg hunt with our superfriends group. (oh, had i mentioned yet that that's the name? it is. let's move along and not get distracted. :) this gathering was originally conceived as being for those of us with no family committments, but interestingly that turned out to include the vast majority of us for an assortment of reasons (distance, heathenism, etc).
eva can't yet, ... well, *move*, so for her hunting eggs was somewhat modified to picking up eggs after being toddled over to them. i think she even dropped one into her little basket, but that was possibly a fluke. she enjoyed watching all the other kids and the dogs, and even more-or-less fended off the advances of an older, more enterprising toddler who began to hunt eggs out of her basket. the whole scene was really fun, with nine (?) sets of parents alternately assisting and photographing the kids (who seemed to get the general idea of finding eggs but were easily distracted by eating the veggie booty snacks contained within).
i may be biased, but i'm quite certain this photo is one of the sweetest i've taken, maybe ever. i just love the expressions on each of their faces, and it really captured the moment as it was. the two great loves of my life, i could just melt. okay, off to bed to join that sleeping baby...
wait, one last thing: today after eva's bath, neither of us had dressed yet and i was holding her on my hip and talking to larry. while i was thus distracted, i guess eva decided she wanted a snack and she managed to inch her head down just low enough to latch on. she was happily looking around at larry (who was, like me, trying to rein in his laughter) as if to say "what? it's here, i'm hungry. what's so funny?" so i walked her over to the bathroom mirror and she saw what That Baby in the reflection was doing and found it pretty amusing and broke into a big sly grin. this girl is too funny.
4.12.2006
together apart
(photo: from the marbridge garden center, the trip with the petting zoo when mom was here.)
so last night was one of those nights. eva, in yet another burst of improbability, seems have decided that her third tooth should be a molar. (sure, just skip over those pesky ten teeth that usually would vie for third in line. why not? my little breech, tongue-tied, torticollis, no-crawling, baby... i'd worry that next she'll turn into a bowl of petunias, but larry says it's not yet reached infinite improbability, so we're safe.) anyway, yesterday she couldn't deal with me being more than five feet away from her for even a second, and despite clearly being very tired she couldn't sleep at all. from seven until nearly eleven, she woke up every 2 to 10 minutes (i wish i were exaggerating), and each time woke up really crying (or screaming), not just fussing. it was so sad! i finally gave her some tylenol, which is the first time she's had any drugs, and it did seem to help. but since i couldn't leave her at all, i had to abandon all other plans (like starting my taxes -- c'mon, it's only the 10th!) and barely managed to eat some sort of dinner (not that it was heated or involved a utensil). also, my shoulder injury from a few weeks ago is back (caused from carrying her incorrectly, it seems), so i can't lift my arm above my shoulder and can't easily hold her, which is of course what she needs. the prolonged crying triggers that hormonal response that starts to make me feel incredibly nauseous and like i need to claw through my skin or yell at the dog, and i was just about to lose it when larry called (he's in atlanta for a conference). but despite the fact that i had my moments, in general i seem to be getting better at this sort of thing. six months ago, i would have been consistantly thinking "i can't do this, she's never going to stop crying, i'm a terrible mother", but this time i was more calm and resigned (in a good way), knowing i was doing all i could and most likely all i had to do was make it until morning. that change in my own reaction really marks some big progress for me as a mother, and i didn't even notice it had changed until going through a tough night once again, so i surprised myself. but on to my original point.
the next morning, i got an email from a friend who had gone through a similar night (similar in difficulty if not in the exact details) with her son. my first thought was "oh, if only we'd known! we wouldn't have had to do it alone..." there's this idea i've often discussed with other moms regarding how moms are all doing the same tasks, like giving a bath or rocking and singing a lullaby or soothing a hurting baby back to sleep, but each in her own separate realm, perhaps feeling somewhat isolated. and there's something sad about that, like i wish i could see through all the walls in my neighborhood and find the other moms and feel connected by these tasks we share from a distance. before you have a baby, people will tell you when you're in labor to think about all the thousands of women around the world who are in labor at that same time, so that you can find strength in that bond. but what about later, doesn't the same apply? so sometimes i wonder who else is awake nursing their baby at three a.m. (or whatever it is), and in this case i had someone, a friend, having a similar rough night not far away. in a way, we went through it together although apart. and somehow, even after the fact, that made it better.
so last night was one of those nights. eva, in yet another burst of improbability, seems have decided that her third tooth should be a molar. (sure, just skip over those pesky ten teeth that usually would vie for third in line. why not? my little breech, tongue-tied, torticollis, no-crawling, baby... i'd worry that next she'll turn into a bowl of petunias, but larry says it's not yet reached infinite improbability, so we're safe.) anyway, yesterday she couldn't deal with me being more than five feet away from her for even a second, and despite clearly being very tired she couldn't sleep at all. from seven until nearly eleven, she woke up every 2 to 10 minutes (i wish i were exaggerating), and each time woke up really crying (or screaming), not just fussing. it was so sad! i finally gave her some tylenol, which is the first time she's had any drugs, and it did seem to help. but since i couldn't leave her at all, i had to abandon all other plans (like starting my taxes -- c'mon, it's only the 10th!) and barely managed to eat some sort of dinner (not that it was heated or involved a utensil). also, my shoulder injury from a few weeks ago is back (caused from carrying her incorrectly, it seems), so i can't lift my arm above my shoulder and can't easily hold her, which is of course what she needs. the prolonged crying triggers that hormonal response that starts to make me feel incredibly nauseous and like i need to claw through my skin or yell at the dog, and i was just about to lose it when larry called (he's in atlanta for a conference). but despite the fact that i had my moments, in general i seem to be getting better at this sort of thing. six months ago, i would have been consistantly thinking "i can't do this, she's never going to stop crying, i'm a terrible mother", but this time i was more calm and resigned (in a good way), knowing i was doing all i could and most likely all i had to do was make it until morning. that change in my own reaction really marks some big progress for me as a mother, and i didn't even notice it had changed until going through a tough night once again, so i surprised myself. but on to my original point.
the next morning, i got an email from a friend who had gone through a similar night (similar in difficulty if not in the exact details) with her son. my first thought was "oh, if only we'd known! we wouldn't have had to do it alone..." there's this idea i've often discussed with other moms regarding how moms are all doing the same tasks, like giving a bath or rocking and singing a lullaby or soothing a hurting baby back to sleep, but each in her own separate realm, perhaps feeling somewhat isolated. and there's something sad about that, like i wish i could see through all the walls in my neighborhood and find the other moms and feel connected by these tasks we share from a distance. before you have a baby, people will tell you when you're in labor to think about all the thousands of women around the world who are in labor at that same time, so that you can find strength in that bond. but what about later, doesn't the same apply? so sometimes i wonder who else is awake nursing their baby at three a.m. (or whatever it is), and in this case i had someone, a friend, having a similar rough night not far away. in a way, we went through it together although apart. and somehow, even after the fact, that made it better.
4.07.2006
mama's mom
my mom was just visiting (3/26-4/5), and it was so great having her here. we had a lot of fun hanging out with eva and kept really busy, doing some activity pretty much every day. we went to playgroup and the park (and i was glad she could meet my friends). we went to a petting zoo (eva didn't like it when the bunny hopped right up to her face), swimming at big stacy pool, and the wildflower center (not so many flowers this drought year). we did errands and shopping, and of course had to go to the new whole foods. we had a little party for larry's birthday, hung out with jenny and cassia, took eva to be in a recearch study at UT, and picked out a bike trailer (which is our chirstmas present from them about which i hadn't yet managed to make a decision). i can barely even remember all the things we did, but mostly it was just so nice having my mom around and doing all the everyday things together. sometimes it's really sad to be so far away from my family -- especially now that eva is involved. you know, back when i had the bright idea to move across the country, it didn't really occur to me then at age 17 that my choice meant my future daughter would grow up far from her grandparents and aunts. but i guess i wouldn't do it differently, it's just frustrating... and sad. wait, i was talking about the happy visit with my mom, not all this sad stuff.
i was glad mom got to see eva swimming (since she won't have that chance again for a while, given that i doubt we'll be doing much swimming in alaska this summer). eva really loves the water, and we're lucky to have hit swimming weather at just the right developmental stage so that she cares about the water but doesn't think it's scary. she mostly likes to kick kick kick (hurray for reflexes) while hanging on to my arm and will float on her back with just my hand under her head if it's not too sunny (she really seems to hate having the sun in her eyes). she's also fine with submerging with me, but i can't say if she likes it or not. the plan (as much as there ever is one) is to go swimming 2-3 (or more) times a week throughout the summer.
oh, i forgot, we also started music classes while my mom was here. the class is pretty fun even for mamas, and eva seems to love it. it's mixed ages, so she gets to watch all the "big" kids, and when i play the accompanying cd at home or in the car she gets really excited and loud. (loud in a good way.)
eva had her 9 month exam today, and all is well as expected. she weighs 18 lbs 8 oz, and is 50th %ile in all measurements. oh, and lora, it's finally happened: she now weighs the same as the dog! that's a milestone if i've ever heard of one. when eva first arrived, the dog quickly began to seem impossibly heavy, so i guess that means now eva's impossibly heavy? it's all relative, soon this will seem light in comparison.
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