down and up
she seemed mostly shaken and largely unharmed, but as i sat on the floor rocking her back and forth in my lap, i think i honestly was crying more for my guilt than for her pain. i felt like the worst mom ever, because the only reason she fell was that i left her because i was not handling it and needed to walk away. i stood at the end of the hallway thinking (for the first time ever, or at least in a mighty long time), "okay, i can't let her cry it out, but i can't do *this* every night either so what are my other options?" and this is what gives me that aching mama guilt: at the very moment i was thinking about how to get away from her, she was crawling trying to get to me, and fell. i'm still not entirely sure what the message is in all this (other than to move the mattress off the boxspring). be better about asking for help? that what she needs most is a mom who takes care of herself and isn't crazy? i don't know, but i'm really hoping it's not "see what happens when you have a fleeting negative thought about your child? she nearly dies. so there, serves you right, you bad mama."
i've been having a challenging couple of weeks, but maybe that was the worst of it, because today things were looking up. i saw people, ran some errands, spent an entire hour all by myself, and now eva is actually sleeping. you may be wondering what an uber-hipster cool mom-about-town like myself does with her free hour. well, i can't spill all the exclusive details (hint: it involves washing the car because eva cries when i attempt that with her in it), but i can tell you that i listened to the first two tracks on my new CD with the volume on 14 rather than in the baby-approved volume range of between 6 and 10. that's right, 14, people! i know, it's too crazy. try to contain yourselves.