waiting

larry's on bedtime duty tonight, and i can hear eva upstairs singing the end of the ABCs, and a moment later, squealing. she's sort of hyped up this evening, which is either due to the chocolate milk (that she only gets while grocery shopping) or just a reaction to the general mood around here. something's definitely afoot, and i'm sure she can tell.

i'm a bit surprised (though for no logical reason) to still be pregnant the evening before my due date. a week ago i had some signs that i was pretty sure were the real deal, but turns out i was just a bit sick, not laboring. since then, after the anticlimactic dip wore off, i've again found it hard to believe that this baby will in fact come out of me at some point. that part doesn't quite seem real. and so i think, did i feel this way last time? no, of course not, i never had the chance to consider such things. eva came early and under such a flurry of activity and changing of plans, i never got in my head about the whole thing. this time, for better or worse, i've been given that opportunity.

at a certain point, a pregnant woman at term is supposed to feel done. i still don't know that i feel "done" (despite all logic! i'm plenty uncomfortable, what with the various indignities of pregnancy sneaking up on me these days), but i guess i'd have to say i'm feeling "ready". i've done most of what i wanted to do around the house (like find the newborn clothes and pull out diapers -- even for a procrastinator, it seems prudent to get around to such tasks prior to birth), i've put myself into the headspace for birth as fully as possible, i've even bought the necessary ingredients for the chocolate birth-day cake i hope to bake during early labor. i'm anxious to meet the baby and find out who it is in there, i'm anxious to stop waiting and move forward. that said, i feel like i could be happy being pregnant for much longer. i like it, and i probably won't get the chance again. but this anxious feeling will probably slowly migrate over into the realm of "impatient", which i think is what being "done" is all about. i'm ready any time now, though.

the photo at the top is a montage of eva's very first haircut a bit over a week ago. she was thrilled with it, and smiled the whole time. i knew she'd be comfortable since she has been going with me to see jennifer since she was a baby, but i didn't know she'd love it so much. despite it being a bit shorter than i had hoped for (oh well it'll grow), it's much more manageable now and looks nicer in general.

below is a photo of the birth flags eva and i did, to add to the string of them done by my friends at my blessingway. a more complete description is on flickr (if you click through on the photo), but the centerpiece of eva's is a drawing of panowah inside my uterus, complete with amniotic fluid and an umbilical cord. and hair. everyone has green hair. oh, also, she's riding a skateboard, apparently.

my mom arrives day after tomorrow. so, baby, come out any time now... there'll be one more person around who is very anxious to meet you.